Thursday, January 12, 2006

i really want to write stuff down, but my head's got too many thoughts swirling around. i hate this. this's when i feel very helpless, cos i cannot even control my own thoughts. that's sad isn't it? a slave to my own thoughts. well not exactly a slave since my thoughts do not command me to do things against my will, but i'm not the master of them either. they simply run wild of their own accord and drive me nuts in the process. sometimes i panick cos it feels as though they're threatening to break free, but i can't let them do that can i? i have too many things i keep inside of me, and i can't let anyone know them cos they're too complex and ridiculous for people around me to understand. as jing so aptly puts it, bu ceng jing li suo yi bu neng li jie, which roughly translates to "not having experienced, so not able to understand". there are times i just wish i can pour everything out to someone, but even if there's someone to listen, i fail to put my thoughts into speech or even words. and even if i could, would they understand? perhaps a sympathetic word or two, but that is something i can and rather do without. i hate people saying things just for the sake of saying it. its seems so... fake. hell no, it IS fake. sigh. anyway, for the moment i just feel very homeless. not like i had anywhere to call "home" since i was 7, but this time i really DO feel homeless, be it by choice or circumstance. there, i got it out. maybe over the next few days i'll be able to write more. i hope. and to anyone who's reading this, well, thanks for listening. i suppose. sigh.